parenting habits that need to be disposed of

I'm not a parent, but growing up with strict immigrant parents as well as friends with similar home environments to mine I realized how damaging our parents behaviors could be without realizing it. So I wanted to make a list and elaborate on what I mean by those behaviors. 


1. Placing your child's worth in how well they do in school 

I believe it's 100% necessary to be involved with your child in their education and encourage them to do well in school. With that being said don't get angry when they don't do well in school and instead try to help them (not everyone learns the same and may need more help than others) . I know many kids only receive love from their parents when they make big academic achievements, so as a result they tie their self-worth to how many A's they get. It's beyond toxic, kids should know their parents will love them regardless of their grades or their major. 

2. Caring about how your child appears to others too much

I know this may sound odd, but I noticed in my community the image of a "perfect son" or "perfect daughter" is pushed so much by parents. Parents are so busy showing off their kids to their relatives and friends that they don't truly know who their kids really are. In situations like this, kids form a whole separate personality around their parents. For parents like this , realize that the bond you have with your child is way more important than other people's opinions. If your confident in the way you raised your kids and your relationship with them, any negative comment made by someone else should be irrelevant. 


3. Unfair Treatment between sons and daughters 

This is pretty common but if you haven't seen it before (lucky you) i'll give you an example...
Basically, in this situation the daughter is doing all the laundry, cooking, dish washing, housecleaning...while the son doesn't do anything to help the house at all. The daughter is never acknowledged for her efforts meanwhile the son can be praised for throwing his own trash away. The son can stay out as late as he wants but the daughter has to ask weeks beforehand if she wants to do something. If you are a parent doing this, STOP! Realize your creating trauma and pushing your internalized sexism and unfair perception of gender roles onto your kids. Your daughter probably feels like you don't care about her as much as your son  and on top of that your doing your son a disservice by not teaching him basic chores/ responsibility.  

4. Lack of Trust

Going through their phone, not letting you kids lock their door, calling your kids 100 times when they go out (if you even allow them to leave the house), being anxious about your kid and what they're doing when they are at school,etc. Stop teaching your kids how to become master liars. When you show your kids you don't trust them, they loose trust in you. It's okay to have rules, boundaries, and realistic expectations, but not too much... let your child breathe.  

5. Hypocrisy 

If you say something, your actions should reflect it. Parents that preach/ teach their child one thing and turn around and do the exact opposite...your child is going to grow up not wanting to take a word you say seriously. This isn't just for parents, this is for everybody... make sure your words have value and you aren't just speaking just to speak.

I understand that many behaviors are taught and become norms almost, but toxic behaviors are toxic no matter how familiar they are. It may feel uncomfortable to change something that has been ingrained into your brain since you were small , but taking the initiative to change is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids.

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